J a n u a r y   2 0 0 5

No time for love

Church enough for me
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

s it advice? Is it opinion? Or is it simply the monthly rant of a pompous, over-the-hill windbag? Whatever it is, it's been happening without fail since our very first year, 2001, when GZO Jones contacted us from his Brazilian retreat and hinted at a literary pedigree that reaches back to the Beats. So we offered him the job and he's amused us while remaining pithy and religiously reliable ever since. Plus, he works really cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

Did you go to church over the holidays?

God is good

Dear Gig,

Depends on your definition of church. And in my book, each man, woman and child defines their own.

But you seem to be asking if I took part in "organized" religion – the kind that has brought more problems to human history than any other thing of which I can think.

That I did not do.

I played my oboe, drank some middle-shelf scotch, found time for some children I know. I ate some damn good food, got some exercise and initiated some contact with far-flung loved ones.

That's church enough for me.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

I'm well into my 40s and dating a much younger man. Am I kidding myself?

Young At Heart

Dear YAH,

My only advice is to enjoy the ride.

If the wheels come off, keep on moving and don't forget to back up the memory banks. Humans are fascinating creatures and you'll have known one more during your stay on this big blue marble we call home.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Any predictions for the New Year?

Crystal Ball

Dear CB,

I generally don't make predictions. People only pay attention when you're wrong.

However, let me prognosticate this: If the ones with all the money don't start sharing with the ones without, society as we know it is bound to become an increasing slice of hell.

And by sharing I don't mean a few tax-deductible donations whenever there's a natural disaster. I'm talking about obscene salaries for top executives, tax breaks for the wealthy, shrinking pensions, unaffordable health care and castigating the impoverished besides – those sorts of things.

– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your question, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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