D e c e m b e r   2 0 0 5

No time for love

Fix that leaky faucet already
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

s it advice? Is it opinion? Or is it simply the monthly rant of a pompous, over-the-hill windbag? Whatever it is, it's been happening without fail since our very first year, 2001, when GZO Jones contacted us from his Brazilian retreat and hinted at a literary pedigree that reaches back to the Beats. So we offered him the job and he's amused us while remaining pithy and religiously reliable ever since. Plus, he works really cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

All through my life I've been hearing that if you have a leaky faucet, like a little drip ... drip ... drip in the bathtub, that it can be, like, gallons upon gallons of water. Is that really true?

Drip, Drip, Drip

Dear Drip,

You seem lazy and I'm surprised you found the energy to write. Fix that leaky faucet already, then write me back.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Is global warming for real?

Skeptical Sam

Dear Sam,

Look at it this way: If the mailman walks across the same patch of grass every day to deliver your mail, that patch eventually gets worn down.

Thus, all the car exhaust and industrial smokestacks we've been aiming heavenward for all these years must be having some negative impact. Much like you don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows, you don't need scientific studies to suggest something seems to be going haywire.

And, even if the theory is hogwash, there's nothing wrong with safe rather than sorry.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Don't you get the feeling that Roe v. Wade is as good as dead?

Big Bummer

Dear Mr. Big,

As soon as abortions are outlawed only outlaws will get abortions. That'll include the girlfriends of judges, politicians and priests. Oh, wait – priests have boyfriends.

Reversing Roe v. Wade will work about as well as Prohibition. And making it a main issue for a world with so many real problems makes about as much sense as shopping for a house and basing the entire decision on the color of the paint.

The current "leadership" leads its flock by pretending abortion (along with gay rights) is an earth-shattering issue. Until that changes, we're stuck in a big, ugly rut. My longstanding take? If you think abortions are wrong, don't have one.

On that note, I'll wish everyone peace and love at the holidays.

– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your question, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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