J u l y   2 0 0 5

No time for love

We could use another Deep Throat ... now!
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

s it advice? Is it opinion? Or is it simply the monthly rant of a pompous, over-the-hill windbag? Whatever it is, it's been happening without fail since our very first year, 2001, when GZO Jones contacted us from his Brazilian retreat and hinted at a literary pedigree that reaches back to the Beats. So we offered him the job and he's amused us while remaining pithy and religiously reliable ever since. Plus, he works really cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

Michael Jackson: guilty or innocent? Marijuana: good or evil? Deep Throat: hero or villain?


Dear FAQ,

For starters, your questions are in reverse order of significance. Which, actually, is an apt reflection of the maladjusted priorities of this modern world.

But I'll answer them in your order.

Michael Jackson: Aside from any damage to possible victims, it just doesn't matter!

Marijuana: Anyone who's been keeping up with this column would already know the answer. Legalize, tax, solve endless problems, move on. The reason marijuana is even illegal anymore is because the current U.S. regime needs something it can call success. And spending a ton of money to round up a bunch of peaceful pot smokers is as easy as invading Iraq while Osama is on the loose. The long-range prospects are about the same, too.

Deep Throat: Considering world events of recent weeks and months (mounting death tolls in Iraq, British memos, falsified climate reports, lazy mainstream media, et al), we could use another Deep Throat. Now. More than ever.


– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

I keep hearing murmurs that Cheney will run for president in '08. Could this really happen? It makes me sick already.

Oh No!

Dear ON,

I hope it happens.

Hear me out: For one thing, the GOP has to run somebody, right? Why not have it be the real "brains" behind what will by then be nearly eight years of ugliness, warmongering, deception and outright lies?

I'd love to see the big Dick's record spotlighted by the campaign process. I think you'd find that the current V.P. is the most beatable candidate the red-state people could possibly choose.

– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your question, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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