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No time for love

If the last pope was a saint ...
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

s it advice? Is it opinion? Or is it simply the monthly rant of a pompous, over-the-hill windbag? Whatever it is, it's been happening without fail since our very first year, 2001, when GZO Jones contacted us from his Brazilian retreat and hinted at a literary pedigree that reaches back to the Beats. So we offered him the job and he's amused us while remaining pithy and religiously reliable ever since. Plus, he works really cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

Any opinions on the new pope?

Goodness Or Detritus

Dear GOD,

Here comes the new pope, same as the old pope.

Unless this new one favors birth control, divorce, remarriage, masturbation, premarital sex, women in the clergy, stem-cell research, marriage for priests, a hard look at priest sex-abuse and recognition of gay people as members of his flock, well, what's it all for?

Man-made lists of commandments? Unrealistic.

Yet the lines around Rome last month tell me that the world needs heroes and saints so badly that it's willing to compromise reality and common sense to have them. Instead of moving the flock into the 21st century, these popes are marching back to the 19th, doling out guilt and hypocrisy along with communion wafers.

That's not saintly, nor is it heroic. It merely is what it is. And if the last pope is a saint then so are most of the rest of us.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Would you be willing to date a woman with a slightly hairy back? Seriously. I have premature menopause (that actually increases my sex drive). But one of the manifestations is a little extra hair growth ... just a little ... okay, some. So should I just resign myself to no more dating? Or just always wear a T-shirt during sex (kinda suspicious, doncha think?). Sooner or later the truth would come out. Yeah, yeah ... wax my back, you say? I tried that, but overheard the salon employees whispering behind my (hairy) back. I felt too humiliated to go for more treatments.

Hirsute And Interested Romantically

Dear HAIR,

It doesn't really matter who I or any other guy (or gal) would be willing to date.

You could find someone who adores hairy-backed women but your letter still tells me you'll be self-conscious to the max until you wax, wax, wax.

Ask a trusted friend to help. Do it yourself. Look into laser hair removal. Check out depilatories. Try different salons until you find one with discrete employees.

As is the prevailing marketing motto of the Pacific Northwest: Just do it.

– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your question, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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