F e b r u a r y   2 0 0 5

No time for love

Hang on, world, hang on!
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

s it advice? Is it opinion? Or is it simply the monthly rant of a pompous, over-the-hill windbag? Whatever it is, it's been happening without fail since our very first year, 2001, when GZO Jones contacted us from his Brazilian retreat and hinted at a literary pedigree that reaches back to the Beats. So we offered him the job and he's amused us while remaining pithy and religiously reliable ever since. Plus, he works really cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

Was Lincoln gay?

Just Curious

Dear JC,

Yeah, yeah, I've read the book reviews in recent weeks, too. There's a "scholarly" new dissertation devoted to all things the long-legged Lincoln was supposedly thinkin'.

But here's all you need to know: Abe Lincoln was tall, he was smart and he helped abolish slavery. Nothing else really matters.

At the same time, I find it endlessly amusing to note that Lincoln was a Republican. And a guy can't help wondering which other beloved Republican icons might have skeletons in their closets.

That shouldn't matter, either. But for some reason it apparently does.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

What's all this about a Social Security crisis? Is it really as dire as the prez says? What's in it for him? And what are we supposed to do?

If It Ain't Broke ...

Dear IIAB,

Crisis? What crisis? These Bush hooligans are trying to change the world and make it safer for rich people. That's never been a secret and it becomes more apparent every damn day.

To privatize Social Security is to funnel more money into the coffers of Bush's stock-market cronies. What should we do? Complain, kvetch, moan, protest. Fight the power.

The only good news I can see is that, as of right now, the current scorched-earth administration is more than half done. That's not much consolation, but it's something.

Hang on, world, hang on!

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Is all the folderol about Johnny Carson really necessary? I mean, here's a guy who hasn't been on TV for, like, a dozen years. And he had a job that just about anybody could do.

Totally Vexed

Dear TV,

Folderal? Carson remained funny and never went out of style for more than 30 years in an industry where the average is closer to 30 days (if not 30 seconds).

A job just about anybody could do? I'm guessing you're not very smart, not very funny or not very old. Or all of the above.

May a weird holy man relegate your TV to Craig Kilborn reruns for all of eternity.

– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your question, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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