guess is as good as anybody's
cover story of a recent Rolling Stone magazine is wait for
it the 500 greatest songs of all time.
Gosh, now theres a surprise. A music magazine
doing a list. Who would have thought of it? I admit that I havent
scrupulously adhered to standard journalistic practice in the sense
of actually bothering to read the article. But I feel confident
in asserting that reading the list is a complete, joyless waste
of time which will hasten the cultural collapse of Western Civilization.
Lets see if I can guess some of the songs that made the
(1) The Weight, by the Band. Self-aggrandizing hippie
twaddle. Essential listening for the Stones readership. An
inspirational homage to sitting on your fat ass.
(2) Fortunate Son, by Creedence Clearwater Revival.
Self-pitying hippie twaddle with a voice that burrows like a cicada
with untested rusty dental instruments into your skull. Remember
how this song bridged the generation gap back in the '60s?
(3) Mr. Tambourine Man, by Bob Dylan. Whining hippie
twaddle. Never has so much scorn been directed toward a tambourine
player and it seems excessive. Hes a solo tambourine player,
for fucks sake. His lifes already about as bad as it
(4) Born to be Wild, by Steppenwolf. Hermann Hesse
meets Lee Marvin, with results just as ghastly as one would expect.
(5) I Still Havent Found What Im Looking For,
U2. Self-aggrandizing wanna-be-hippie-at-least-Im-a-Christian
twaddle that reassures Baby Boomers theyre still hip. Reminds
me of how much I hate Sting.
(6) Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin. Pseudo-spiritual
melodrama all dressed up with nowhere to go. Will make you start
looking for the exit door to Hell.
(7) Hotel California, the Eagles. Incontrovertible
proof that the '70s were just as bad as you remember. If you were
in California during the '70s, you cant remember, and why
the hell do the rest of us need to be reminded?
(8) California Girls, by the Beach Boys. Brian
Wilson was a genius. Sure he was.
(9) Wonderful Tonight, by Eric Clapton. Sure you are.
(10) Anything from Stings solo career. Especially songs that
use world tragedies as metaphors for extraordinarily trivial incidents
in Stings maudlin little life.
(11) Wild Thing, by the Troggs. Tonya Harding insisted
that this be played while she skated. Self-explanatory.
(12) I Cant Make You Love Me, by Bonnie Raitt.
No. You cant. Give up.
(13) Everybody Hurts, R.E.M. Yes, when you sing.
(14) My Generation The Who.
boomer hypocrisy for the last 40 years.
How close did I come? Of course, all of the above songs made the
top-500 list. I already know, because I cheated. I didnt even
bother to write this article myself. But so what? Does that make
the Rolling Stones list any better? Of course not.
If you must, read the list and bask in the reassurance that there
are other losers out there be-bopping to Lynyrd Skynyrds "Sweet
Home Alabama" just like you!