D e c e m b e r   2 0 0 4

No time for love

Welcome to hillbilly heaven
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

rom his backwoods outpost in Brazil, GZO Jones has been dispatching skewed musings and so-called advice since he contacted us by e-mail back in 2001. Ever since those halcyon days, Jones has hinted at some sort of literary pedigree reaching back to the Beat Generation. Sounds more like delusions of grandeur to us. Even so, the guy tickles us from time to time, he has yet to miss a deadline and he works awfully cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

TV stations won't show "Saving Private Ryan," but the big NBA brawl was on around the clock. What's wrong with this picture?

Terribly Vexed

Dear TV,

Seems like you've answered your own question. A brawl between multi-millionaire athletes and average-Joe fans lets the hoi polloi think they're equals for a moment – not to mention that advertising dollars come about from all the sadistic heightened interest.

And watching "Saving Private Ryan" would make people think twice about war. We can't have that!

Look for more of the same as more and more media outlets are controlled by fewer and fewer rich people.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Winning states are red, losers are blue. I guess the liberals were wrong, how about you?

Winning is nice now everybody repent

Dear Winner,

Not so fast with your lame poetry and silly anagram. Who the hell are you to confuse winning with being right?

I presume you refer to the recent U.S. election. The one where the British headline said something like: "Can 59 million people really be that dumb?"

I understand that virtually every city over half a million was blue. And 11 southern states were plus-five-million for the "winner," while the other 39 states were up a million and a half for the "loser."

Meanwhile, the bloggers suggest that the red states also lead the blue states when it comes to teen mothers, divorce, shootings, obesity and chlamydia. If true (and I'd bet that it is), it's looking more and more like the United Trailer Parks of America. Welcome to hillbilly heaven.

Yes, I'll hang onto my U.S. citizenship but I'll stay in Brazil.

Meanwhile, dear readers, keep those cards and letters coming, but let's talk about something other than politics in the coming year. There's so much more to the world than that.

Peace at the holidays.

– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your question, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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