you well informed?
is, this November, an election for President of the United States.
As a public service I am providing this guide to the candidates.
To determine whether you are well informed, take the
1. State the causes of the Peloponnesian War. Point out Donald
Rumsfelds eerie resemblance to Cleon.
2. Which of Captain Americas sidekicks died in the closing
days of World War II? Was Captain America partially responsible
for his death? Discuss.
3. If Benjamin Disraeli and Henry Clay had gotten into a fistfight,
who would have prevailed? What would the winner have done afterwards?
And now, as a further public service, here's a look at the candidates
Howard the Duck: After 28 years, the country is finally ready for
Mr. Ducks plan to save on military spending by having the
armed forces live in caves.
John Kerry: The last chance for the United States to finally win
the Vietnam War.
Vespasian: Undeniably the only realistic alternative to Galba,
Otho and Vitellius.
Myra Breckinridge: The only candidate concerned about over-population.
George W. Bush: The second choice of everyone voting for Myra Breckinridge.
Edith Nesbit: Doesnt like children. Made career writing books
for them. Probably on to something.
Dick Cheney: Loved every minute of the past four years? Vote for
Cheney and get more of the same, only more so.
Huey Long: Elect a president and boost Randy Newmans career
at the same time.
Thomas Chatterton: Hands-on, get-it-done kind of guy. Will out-poll
even Rimbaud and James Dean as to the homoerotic adolescent vote.
Admittedly, not old enough to be constitutionally eligible. Possible
regents: Samuel Johnson or one of the William Pitts.
Bob Dole: Thought he deserved to get his arm back after losing
to Clinton in 1996. Didnt. Bitter.
Anne Bronte: Only running to out-flank Charlotte and Emily. As
good a reason as any.
ANSWERS TO QUIZ:
(1) Pre-emptive strike by Athens against Sparta. Cleon and Rumsfeld:
Both megalomaniacal, self-righteous butchers.
(2) Bucky. Probably. John Edwards, as John Kerrys first sidekick,
is destined to re-enact the tragedy.
(3) Henry Clay in a walk. Clay fought in two duels and survived
both; Disraeli was a lover, not a fighter. Clay would have done
the same thing Burr did after shooting Hamilton move to New
York and resume the practice of law.
Don't forget to vote!