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Guest Writer

Are you well informed?
2004 election-year quiz
by Neil Anderson

here is, this November, an election for President of the United States. As a public service I am providing this guide to the candidates.

To determine whether you are well informed, take the following quiz:

1. State the causes of the Peloponnesian War. Point out Donald Rumsfeld’s eerie resemblance to Cleon.

2. Which of Captain America’s sidekicks died in the closing days of World War II? Was Captain America partially responsible for his death? Discuss.

3. If Benjamin Disraeli and Henry Clay had gotten into a fistfight, who would have prevailed? What would the winner have done afterwards?

And now, as a further public service, here's a look at the candidates themselves:

Howard the Duck: After 28 years, the country is finally ready for Mr. Duck’s plan to save on military spending by having the armed forces live in caves.

John Kerry: The last chance for the United States to finally win the Vietnam War.

Vespasian: Undeniably the only realistic alternative to Galba, Otho and Vitellius.

Myra Breckinridge: The only candidate concerned about over-population.

George W. Bush: The second choice of everyone voting for Myra Breckinridge.

Edith Nesbit: Doesn’t like children. Made career writing books for them. Probably on to something.

Dick Cheney: Loved every minute of the past four years? Vote for Cheney and get more of the same, only more so.

Huey Long: Elect a president and boost Randy Newman’s career at the same time.

Thomas Chatterton: Hands-on, get-it-done kind of guy. Will out-poll even Rimbaud and James Dean as to the homoerotic adolescent vote. Admittedly, not old enough to be constitutionally eligible. Possible regents: Samuel Johnson or one of the William Pitts.

Bob Dole: Thought he deserved to get his arm back after losing to Clinton in 1996. Didn’t. Bitter.

Anne Bronte: Only running to out-flank Charlotte and Emily. As good a reason as any.


(1) Pre-emptive strike by Athens against Sparta. Cleon and Rumsfeld: Both megalomaniacal, self-righteous butchers.

(2) Bucky. Probably. John Edwards, as John Kerry’s first sidekick, is destined to re-enact the tragedy.

(3) Henry Clay in a walk. Clay fought in two duels and survived both; Disraeli was a lover, not a fighter. Clay would have done the same thing Burr did after shooting Hamilton – move to New York and resume the practice of law.

Don't forget to vote!

See more from Neil in our archives.

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