No time for love

rom his backwoods outpost in Brazil, GZO Jones has been dispatching skewed musings and so-called advice since he contacted us by e-mail back in 2001. Ever since those halcyon days, Jones has hinted at some sort of literary pedigree reaching back to the Beat Generation. Sounds more like delusions of grandeur to us. Even so, the guy tickles us from time to time, he has yet to miss a deadline and he works awfully cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

Should beach volleyball really be an Olympic sport?

Signed,
Not So Sure

Dear Not So,

I presume you refer to the ladies and their skimpy uniforms. Before you get all prudish on me, consider that old-school Olympics were performed by naked men. And winners were treated to prostitutes and goodness knows what else. And women weren't allowed to play.

We've come a long way, baby.

For my money, women's beach volleyball is better than all the so-called reality TV combined. But as much as I enjoyed the bikini coverage (and I couldn't turn away), what really moved me were such things as the gold for the Israeli windsurfer, the stirring successes of the Iraqi soccer team, the comeuppance for U.S. men's basketball, the gracious shot-put loser and the wrestler minus one big toe.

There's probably a few pretty good parties going on in Athens even still.

As much as we humans are hell-bent on killing each other, every so often the storm clouds part and an event like the Olympics lets the sun shine through.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Does Ralph Nader belong on the ballot?

Signed,
Reluctant Voter

Dear RV,

While Nader might have belonged four years ago, he doesn't belong now. His message, however, does – and that's the sad part.

That message will surely get lost in all the barbaric hubris.

One-third of the current U.S. president's tax cuts went to the richest one percent of the populace. More than 40 million Americans are without health insurance. Common sense says Bush attacked the wrong country (to the tune of $200 billion). And the more his apologists say it isn't another Vietnam the more it seems like, well, another Vietnam. Only this time the National Guard is doing much of the dirty work.

The National Guard? Could a situation get any more absurd? (Answer: Yes, the Bushies could inexplicably get re-elected.)

So if Ralphie-boy really wants to help his country he should be working to remove the current regime by any means necessary. And that, in my jaded opinion, doesn't include a ballot with his name on it.

– Jones