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No time for love

Thinking about the naked human form ...
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

here do old Beats go to retire? GZO Jones headed for Brazil. We've found scant documentation that he can even keep a beat, but that has nothing to do with the fact that Jones always makes deadline and, one way or another, never shies away from a question. He likes to consider himself some sort of missing link between the 1950s and the new century. We like to consider that he works cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

Can this publicity stunt with the Jackson girl's breast really be so important that people are still talking about it?

Mal Function

Dear Mal,

To show you just how far the ripples of this farce have reached, let me tell you about a little yearly celebration we here in Brazil call Carnaval.

I was feeling so browbeaten about my glimpse of Janet's sun-crowned nip that I actually had to leave the parade routes early. And not because I had imbibed in too many pan-galactic gargle-blasters, either. I was actually guilty!

The sight of all those bead magnets and their lack of costume (malfunction-related or otherwise) almost made me sick to my stomach for thinking about the naked human form, which is so sinful to contemplate. I ran home and scourged myself, and when that did not remove the core of sin from my soul, I went and watched that brand new Jesus movie. Twice. And I didn't go to the bathroom in between.

So there you have it. The U.S. of A.'s dreadful faux-Victorian morality has made the man who Kesey once called "the electric Jim Beam de Sade" blanch and turn away like Whistler's mother. (Whistler painted in the nude, and his mom's rigid profile is due to the fact that she didn't want to turn to stone. Really.)

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Ralph Nader?


Dear ???,

I admire your way with words.

But I will say this: As I read headlines saying Social Security is going down while rich people's incomes are going up, well, it's time for something other than your good ol' two-party system. The world can't take another four years of the Bushies and John Kerry seems like only slight improvement.

So until somebody truly qualified, like Hillary or Oprah, takes a run for the world's most powerful job, I guess my answer is: Ralph Nader? Why not!

The only problem, of course, is that without Raphie-boy in the equation four years ago, we would now be looking at a far different planet.

Does that mean I'm of two minds on this thing? Well, yes and no. I think that, yes, citizen Nader should join the race to liven things up. But that no one should vote for him.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

My girlfriend only wants to have sex after she smokes weed. This seems like an insult ... or worse. Any advice?

Too High to Conjugate

Dear THC,

Are you kidding me? A whiner like you is lucky to have a girlfriend, much less one who wants to hop in the sack with your kind!

So you'd prefer that she smoke weed and have sex with someone else? Jesus, man! Did you never see "Annie Hall"? (Which, by the way, would be a good movie for you to rent and study. Because you clearly need to light, er, lighten up.)

Yeah, I've got some advice. Take a toke with your girlfriend, or don't. But either way, count your blessings and live a little.

– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your question, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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