J u l y   2 0 0 3

No time for love

The man in the mirror and all that jazz
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

ZO Jones is no ordinary guy. Just ask him – he'll tell you all about his murky triumphs back in the day, when beat was spelled with an upper-case "B" and men like Bukowski and Kerouac roamed the planet, mighty dinosaurs of the literary sort. But if his Brazilian Web site (GZO Jones Town) is any indication ... well, as we like to keep in mind, Dr. Jones has a way with words, never turns down a good question and hasn't missed a deadline.

Dear Dr. Jones,

Does Iraq have weapons of mass destruction, or not? And why do people show more concern over presidential stains on a blue dress or cork in a damned baseball bat? I don't get it. Please help me understand.

Sammy Lewinsky

Dear Sam,

Hey there bub, not to be a negative Nancy, but I couldn't give a damn about the biological war that's about to happen. Is my closet full of Chemturion suits? Do I have plenty of purified air for them, next to the sacks of veterinary grade tetracycline? Do I need to mention the platoon of Gurkhas led by Prussian war reenactors, all armed to the teeth outside my humble abode?

Didn't think so. So let's talk about something important.

I'm shocked and awed over your reaction to bat-corking. In a world of uncertainty, one thing is sure: we need to preserve pure and fair play wherever possible. Perhaps your dystopian vision of the future includes the Four Horsemen of War, Famine, Death and Cheating.

Mine doesn't.

What comes after bat-corking? The legalized spitball? The old razor-blade ball? Exploding bases? Pretty soon soccer players will be able to use their hands. Then maybe linebackers and tight ends
will be given sidearms.

If that's a future insured by our machismo and foolhardy military actions, then count me out.

As for the stains on the dress, well, I recently read where some pundit suggests that presidential indiscretions and corked bats are "teachable moments." In other words, it's an opportunity to tell the kids that when we put people on pedestals (presidents, ballplayers, etc.) we're asking for trouble.

No matter your take on religion, at least one thing rings true about the Jesus story: While none of us humans are perfect, it's certainly among our capabilities (and responsibilities) to keep aiming for the higher ground. I've probably said it here before, but it's really all about looking at the man in the mirror and all that jazz.

– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your problems, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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