Dear Dr Jones,

I’m in a relationship with this really enthusiastic girl. She shared that her big sexual fantasy is for me to “rape” her. She wants me to go all out with the role-playing, you know, like breaking into her house and tying her up. I don't really want to go in for that sort of thing. What do I do?

Signed,
“The King”

Dear “King,”

I’ll get to your question in a jiffy, but first let me say something. You people need to give me a break from your strange and perverted lives! The mail comes in and in and in, and I have to answer some of your letters out of a sense of duty. Yes, I took the job.

But not once in all these months has anyone bothered to ask what I think about current affairs, or the weather, or anything. So today I’ll tell you.

I want to address terrorism. Sure, you’ve already had an earful from all the talking heads. But has anyone tried a little insight? My question is simple: Why is it necessary to inflict terror and death on each other?

Let me explain.

In my hometown of Ft. Oglethorpe, I don’t think there is much terror. Sure, maybe some rival Civil War reenactionists get liquored up and use live rounds on each other. Or a ghost-hunter gets switchbladed in an argument over poltergeist trivia. These are crimes where two people come together to create a situation of mutual stupidity, and these crimes have been around since caveman days.

But now I live in Brazil, where things are a little more serious. The jungle is peppered with nonagenarian war criminals still hiding where ODESSA left them 50 years ago. Someone always gets trampled at Sepultura concerts, and Carnivale is an excuse for the guerillas to tear some shit up. These are repugnant, but unremarkable, evils. Which brings us to terrorism.

Bosnia, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Iraq – and now Manhattan – are names that bring us images of fear, hatred and shame just for being part of a human race that does these things to itself at something other than random.

We need to take the time to ask ourselves my initial question, and saying that the simple answer is “society” is just plain wrong. The acts of terror most fresh in our collective memory are initiated by personal hatred and indifference. I want the terrorists, and the masterminds, and the everyday citizens, and even the victims, to ask WHY?

Ask yourself silently, ask the person in the cubicle next to you. Ask your parents and your children, and demand an answer from your leaders. Then we can be on our way.

So, “King,” I’ll answer your question with a question: Do your bedroom peccadillos really matter? I guess I’m flattered that you want my advice on so personal a subject, but I hope that after a bit of re-thinking you might be among the first to ask a question that matters to us all.

That’s it for this month, kiddies. Keep cool.

– Jones