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No time for love

Plato did what?
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

Need a fresh perspective to get you through those difficult moments of life and love? GZO Jones may just be your man. He corresponds from Brazil while dealing with a series of health and visa issues that may or may not be related to the ’60s, but we think you'll find his advice anything but foreign. Find out more at the GZO Jones Town Web site. And don’t be shy with your questions ... Dr. Jones has heard it all. You got a problem with that?

Dear Dr. Jones,

My boyfriend of two years wants to go to Bangkok with his well-traveled bachelor friend. Not only am I not sure of this friend (he seems to be a nice guy, but he's always "on the make"), but I'm not sure about Bangkok (I've heard a lot of wild stories). He told me I could go along, but it just doesn't fit my vacation schedule – or my desire. What to do?

Not Sure What I'm Afraid Of

Dear Not Sure,

First off, everything you've heard about Bangkok is probably true. I haven't been there for years, but my memories are just like yesterday ... It's a warm and exotic place filled with warm and exotic people – and that's just the airport!

Last time (to give you an idea of how long ago it was), I dragged Cassady and Ferlinghetti along and we couldn't believe the hours of unbridled fun that could be had for the rough equivalent of $25. The women we met seemed like life-long friends after about 10 minutes. They'd give us a five-hour tour of the town, then a five-hour tour of the inside of a hotel room. Both tours were unlike anything else on this earth. Like I say, that was a few years back – but things probably haven't changed all that much.

You, however, need to relax a bit. Here's what I think: If you love somebody, set them free. I know, I know – that's a direct ripoff of some half-baked pop song. But what could be more true? Life is for living. Let your man go. He did, after all, invite you along. Meanwhile, why not plan your own trip to Negril or Las Vegas or some other seductive locale that more suits your fancy? And you can get yourself in any amount of trouble, or not.

While there's nothing wrong with a committed relationship, there's nothing wrong with a little fun, either.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

I recently rediscovered an old friend from high school and started hanging out with her again. Problem is, the wife thinks my friend has the hots for me and doesn't want her around. I say it's all platonic … my wife says she wants me to be happy, but that men and women can't be just friends. All I want is to be able to talk to my old pal. How far is too far?

I Hate When Harry Met Sally

Dear Sally-Hater,

For once, listen to your wife. She may not be right about other stuff (like hockey being “stupid”), but here she's just as right as Portland rain. There is no such thing as a “platonic relationship” between men and women. Hell, Plato couldn't even keep from boning his own students! And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

One of my particularly passionate former paramours always remarked on how you never know what goes on behind other people's bedroom doors. Her thought process was in Spanish, so it isn't easy to make the exact translation. But “be more aware of how good you've got it” is pretty damn close (and what if “the wife” turns the tables twice as hard – are you ready for a game of “what's good for the goose ...” my somewhat thoughtless friend?).

Advice? Are you nuts? Don't even put yourself in a position to be tempted, no matter how farfetched a fling might seem. If anything did happen … well, I presume you've still got an imagination; use it. And remember, we're talking about your wife here – not some presidential intern or a high school fling. Besides, if “the wife” is as perceptive as she sounds, she's a keeper!

Now. How far is too far? You tell me.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

This is really embarassing, even without my real name on it. A while ago my boyfriend and I tried anal sex. It hurt, and I was real vocal about that, even though it still sort of felt good. Now he's all sensitive and won't even think about trying again. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, even though I've asked him to do it! Help!


Dear CB,

I often give advice on this largely under-explored pleasure-area, although usually it's with one leg dangling off a bar stool – and to inquisitors on the business end. But take it from an old hand at the sodomy game: There's really only one thing you need to keep in mind to fix a squeaky back door: LUBE. And PATIENCE. Oops, that's two things. And this is starting to sound like a bad Monty Python skit. But in all seriousness ... if you follow these two simple rules, well, that kind of a thing almost always ends up being great fun for anyone and everyone involved.

Anyway, back to you. If simply asking your boyfriend isn't doing the trick, then maybe you're not, as they say in Brazilian football, bringing your A-game. You need to entice him with some bum-themed porn, or by jotting down a silly but provocative note and leaving it in an obvious place, or maybe even by writing him a bit of a whimsical song and singing to him like a '40s torch singer. Of course, it may be that he has hang-ups far too deep to uncover (let alone fix). In that case, I can only raise a toast to your having tried. Bottoms up! (And if you're ever in Brazil ...)

– Jones

Examine more advice from Dr. Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your problems, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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