time for love
Need a fresh perspective to get you through
those difficult moments of life and love? GZO Jones may just
be your man. He corresponds from Brazil while dealing with a
series of health and visa issues that may or may not be related
to the 60s, but we think you'll find his advice anything
but foreign. Find out more at the GZO
Jones Town Web site. And dont be shy with your questions
... Dr. Jones has heard it all. You got a problem with that?
Dear Dr. Jones,
My boyfriend of two years wants to go to Bangkok
with his well-traveled bachelor friend. Not only am I not sure
of this friend (he seems to be a nice guy, but he's always "on
the make"), but I'm not sure about Bangkok (I've heard a
lot of wild stories). He told me I could go along, but it just
doesn't fit my vacation schedule or my desire. What to
Not Sure What I'm Afraid Of
Dear Not Sure,
First off, everything you've heard about Bangkok
is probably true. I haven't been there for years, but my memories
are just like yesterday ... It's a warm and exotic place filled
with warm and exotic people and that's just the airport!
Last time (to give you an idea of how long ago
it was), I dragged Cassady and Ferlinghetti along and we couldn't
believe the hours of unbridled fun that could be had for the rough
equivalent of $25. The women we met seemed like life-long friends
after about 10 minutes. They'd give us a five-hour tour of the
town, then a five-hour tour of the inside of a hotel room. Both
tours were unlike anything else on this earth. Like I say, that
was a few years back but things probably haven't changed
all that much.
You, however, need to relax a bit. Here's what
I think: If you love somebody, set them free. I know, I know
that's a direct ripoff of some half-baked pop song. But what could
be more true? Life is for living. Let your man go. He did, after
all, invite you along. Meanwhile, why not plan your own trip to
Negril or Las Vegas or some other seductive locale that more suits
your fancy? And you can get yourself in any amount of trouble,
While there's nothing wrong with a committed
relationship, there's nothing wrong with a little fun, either.
Dear Dr. Jones,
I recently rediscovered an old friend from high
school and started hanging out with her again. Problem is, the
wife thinks my friend has the hots for me and doesn't want her
around. I say it's all platonic
my wife says she wants
me to be happy, but that men and women can't be just friends.
All I want is to be able to talk to my old pal. How far is too
I Hate When Harry Met Sally
For once, listen to your wife. She may not be
right about other stuff (like hockey being stupid),
but here she's just as right as Portland rain. There is no such
thing as a platonic relationship between men and women.
Hell, Plato couldn't even keep from boning his own students! And
don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
One of my particularly passionate former paramours
always remarked on how you never know what goes on behind other
people's bedroom doors. Her thought process was in Spanish, so
it isn't easy to make the exact translation. But be more
aware of how good you've got it is pretty damn close (and
what if the wife turns the tables twice as hard
are you ready for a game of what's good for the goose ...
my somewhat thoughtless friend?).
Advice? Are you nuts? Don't even put yourself
in a position to be tempted, no matter how farfetched a fling
might seem. If anything did happen
well, I presume you've
still got an imagination; use it. And remember, we're talking
about your wife here not some presidential intern or a
high school fling. Besides, if the wife is as perceptive
as she sounds, she's a keeper!
Now. How far is too far? You tell me.
Dear Dr. Jones,
This is really embarassing, even without my real
name on it. A while ago my boyfriend and I tried anal sex. It
hurt, and I was real vocal about that, even though it still sort
of felt good. Now he's all sensitive and won't even think about
trying again. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, even though
I've asked him to do it! Help!
I often give advice on this largely under-explored
pleasure-area, although usually it's with one leg dangling off
a bar stool and to inquisitors on the business end. But
take it from an old hand at the sodomy game: There's really only
one thing you need to keep in mind to fix a squeaky back door:
LUBE. And PATIENCE. Oops, that's two things. And this is starting
to sound like a bad Monty Python skit. But in all seriousness
... if you follow these two simple rules, well, that kind of a
thing almost always ends up being great fun for anyone and everyone
Anyway, back to you. If simply asking your boyfriend
isn't doing the trick, then maybe you're not, as they say in Brazilian
football, bringing your A-game. You need to entice him with some
bum-themed porn, or by jotting down a silly but provocative note
and leaving it in an obvious place, or maybe even by writing him
a bit of a whimsical song and singing to him like a '40s torch
singer. Of course, it may be that he has hang-ups far too deep
to uncover (let alone fix). In that case, I can only raise a toast
to your having tried. Bottoms up! (And if you're ever in Brazil