J a n u a r y   2 0 0 2

Rude Horoscope

This, too, shall pass
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
by Ryan Douglas

ven if this is the first horoscope you have ever read, you probably won't be surprised by the fact that you are obsessed with money and power, and that you excel at intolerant, humorless, and otherwise passive-aggressive behavior. Yes, Capricorn, if you are still reading, look deep into your heart and listen to its dim and lifeless knock. It pulses with the cold beat of avarice and spite. "Anything to make a buck" could easily be your motto, but we are not so shallow as to say that money grubbing and serial killing are your only gifts to mankind.

Why, look at others who share your sign! As a Capricorn, you are company to the likes of: Diane Sawyer (recently accused of serving too much salt to her houseguests under the ruse of a dinner party), Ebenezer Scrooge (denied health care and other legally binding benefits to the huggable and irresistible Tiny Tim) and Barry Goldwater (failed republican candidate). I happen to be a huge fan of Capricorn's own Henry Miller, who wrote the ambitious if not all-too-telling tale "Death of a Salesman," a brilliant and marvelous story, applicable to Capricorns everywhere, doomed to a life of abysmal emptiness and utter solitude.

Still reading? Good, now let's get to the future – of which you must be dying to hear. So my dear sea goat, here is what your future holds:

Break up with your partner ASAP. Sounds like bad news? Not really! If your partner is a significant other, just think of all the money you'd save. No more romantic dinners at expensive restaurants. If your significant other is the "money maker," then you should stock up on cat food now, because that is all you're going to be able to afford over the next several weeks and months.

You should also expect to see your bank account and investment portfolio take the plunge in upcoming months. I'll not fool your brittle, green and pea-sized heart on this matter. Things are going to be tough until summer (at least). Seem bleak? Even insufferable? Just remember: according to Jean Paul Sartre, everything is transitory. Say these words whenever necessary: "This, too, shall pass." While the taste of cat food in your mouth may be hard to wash out, "this, too, shall pass."

On the bright side, even though you'll lose your job by mid-May, wedding bells are on the horizon for July! So you should have plenty of time, if not money, for a long and licentious honeymoon. And licentious it will be, for Capricorns tend to attract lusty mates. The good news is that you will be so busy cavorting in wantonness that you'll hardly have time for the work you won't be able to find because your days will be too full of lascivious deeds. Your breath may reek of cat food, but at least your bodily needs will be content. (Hint: drink lots of grapefruit juice.)

More good news: wedding bells mean wedding presents! I suggest that your wedding invites include a request for original receipts with all gifts. That way, you can return the gifts for the cash that you most certainly will need in order to pay those ever-mounting bills. Just remember: this, too, shall pass.

And, before you know it, comes another year. So you can still look forward to a glorious and lucrative 2003! Or 2004! Or 2005! ...

See more from Ryan in our archives.

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