too, shall pass
December 22-January 19
if this is the first horoscope you have ever read, you probably
won't be surprised by the fact that you are obsessed with money
and power, and that you excel at intolerant, humorless, and otherwise
passive-aggressive behavior. Yes, Capricorn, if you are still reading,
look deep into your heart and listen to its dim and lifeless knock.
It pulses with the cold beat of avarice and spite. "Anything
to make a buck" could easily be your motto, but we are not
so shallow as to say that money grubbing and serial killing are
your only gifts to mankind.
Why, look at others who share your sign! As a Capricorn, you are
company to the likes of: Diane Sawyer (recently accused of serving
too much salt to her houseguests under the ruse of a dinner party),
Ebenezer Scrooge (denied health care and other legally binding benefits
to the huggable and irresistible Tiny Tim) and Barry Goldwater (failed
republican candidate). I happen to be a huge fan of Capricorn's
own Henry Miller, who wrote the ambitious if not all-too-telling
tale "Death of a Salesman," a brilliant and marvelous
story, applicable to Capricorns everywhere, doomed to a life of
abysmal emptiness and utter solitude.
Still reading? Good, now let's get to the future of which
you must be dying to hear. So my dear sea goat, here is what your
Break up with your partner ASAP. Sounds like bad news? Not really!
If your partner is a significant other, just think of all the money
you'd save. No more romantic dinners at expensive restaurants. If
your significant other is the "money maker," then you
should stock up on cat food now, because that is all you're going
to be able to afford over the next several weeks and months.
You should also expect to see your bank account and investment
portfolio take the plunge in upcoming months. I'll not fool your
brittle, green and pea-sized heart on this matter. Things are going
to be tough until summer (at least). Seem bleak? Even insufferable?
Just remember: according to Jean Paul Sartre, everything is transitory.
Say these words whenever necessary: "This, too, shall pass."
While the taste of cat food in your mouth may be hard to wash out,
"this, too, shall pass."
On the bright side, even though you'll lose your job by mid-May,
wedding bells are on the horizon for July! So you should have plenty
of time, if not money, for a long and licentious honeymoon. And
licentious it will be, for Capricorns tend to attract lusty mates.
The good news is that you will be so busy cavorting in wantonness
that you'll hardly have time for the work you won't be able to find
because your days will be too full of lascivious deeds. Your breath
may reek of cat food, but at least your bodily needs will be content.
(Hint: drink lots of grapefruit juice.)
More good news: wedding bells mean wedding presents! I suggest
that your wedding invites include a request for original receipts
with all gifts. That way, you can return the gifts for the cash
that you most certainly will need in order to pay those ever-mounting
bills. Just remember: this, too, shall pass.
And, before you know it, comes another year. So you can still look
forward to a glorious and lucrative 2003! Or 2004! Or 2005! ...