Guest Writer

He's rough around the edges, largely unpredictable, maybe even a trifle rude. But throughout all 11 out-of-this-world chapters that Mel visited upon us last year, you just can't help but love him. Can you? Nevertheless, with our demi-hero in Portland for the holidays, we snagged a rare opportunity to grab an interview. And so, without further adeau, heeeeerrrrre's Mel ...

JESS GULBRANSON: Enjoying the rain, Mel?

MEL: What are you, some kind of smart aleck?

JG: Yeah, just a little joke to break the ice. How are things progressing right now?

M: Like you don't know!

JG: Sure, I've been chronicling your adventures and misadventures for a year now. But I have to ask you something.

M: It's your party, you can cry if you want to.

JG: [sighs] I can't believe I wrote you to be such a wiseass.

M: …

JG: Anyway, I'll fill in for the purposes of the interview. You're stranded here in Portland, an alternate version of Bridgetown, which is your hometown in another dimension.

M: 'sright.

JG: You came here with the legendary vampire-slayer Frank Burley, following Smith, your green-sweatshirted evil twin. Both of them have been killed by the vampire Vlad Tepes ... how are you dealing with that?

M: Smith can burn in hell. But Frank, well, he was a great friend; I miss him terribly. Although I have this feeling that he's not gone for good ...

JG: I have that feeling, too. Hey, did you know there's a Frank Burley here in Portland? He's a punk rocker. I went to high school with him. Any plans to look him up?

M: Nah, that'd be kinda weird. Look, I have ...

JG: ... a date with that redheaded girl in 15 minutes. I know.

M: I'll never get used to you being the omniscient author. That's just fucked up.

JG: We'll keep it short. You were saying?

M: Well, remember what Doubting Tom said about Frank?

JG: I should hope so. I wrote it.

M: [laughs] Who's the wiseass now? Anyway, he said something along the lines of "There are a bajillion Franks out there, all unlikely heroes." I'll run into him again, and probably Vlad the Impaler, too.

JG: I have no doubt.

M: I don't like the sound of that. Anything you can tell me?

JG: Hehehehehehe!

M: I like the sound of that even less.

JG: I've got plenty in store for you in the year to come. Look, I'll let you get to your date, but answer this first: What's it like being a dimension-hopping adventurer?

M: It's just like Barbarino said in "Pulp Faction": "You know, it's the little things that you notice." That's so true.

JG: Give anything good for Christmas?

M: You kidding me? I dropped the new Oggy Pip CD on all my friends. I'm surprised a lot more people didn't think of it.

JG: Mmm hmm. One last question: Ever gonna wash that red hoody?

M: It's not exactly up there with food, water and shelter, but I'll make sure it happens. I've still got a reputation with the ladies.

JG: Yeah, right. Good luck with that. Speaking of which, get outa here and give my best to the redhead. You'll be hearing from me soon enough.

M: Have a good year, author-man. And I really mean it.