J a n u a r y   2 0 0 2

No time for love

Wanna dance? Better pay the band ...
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

GZO Jones offers sage and candid monthly advice on life, love and relationships. He corresponds from Brazil while recovering from a series of health setbacks that may or may not be related to the 1960s. Find out more at the GZO Jones Town Web site, and feel free to ask Dr. Jones anything. You got a problem with that?

Dear Dr. Jones,

This morning I woke up to 837 of the same "See Britney Spears fingering herself!!!!!!!" e-mail message in my inbox. I upped the level of my junk mail filter, filled out the Hotmail.com spam report form and rebooted my computer. But Britney just kept coming all day – about a half dozen times per minute; several thousand in all. So now I'm torn: Do I switch e-mail providers? Shut down my computer until the storm is over? Give in to my curiosity and check out the Britney site? What is this world coming to?

What is this world coming to?

Dear World,

You bring up several topics here, and I think the first thing we need to do is filter THEM out.

First, e-mail spam is an increasing fact of modern life, and even my dear mother talks of getting a computer these days. Do you think the volume of untoward e-mail is about to DECREASE? I remember back in the day, when a stroll down the Vegas strip meant running a gantlet of hucksters dishing out flyers for hookers like toothpicks at a bad barbecue joint. Did this stop the so-called progress in Sin City? Of course not. The hotels kept getting bigger, the Rat Pack kept getting rattier and the prostitutes kept getting richer (and fatter, too, I might add). But the answer was simple: We'd just tell the hucksters "No, thank you" as we passed them by for our predesignated destination. In other words, you can bitch and moan all you want, but the spam will continue. Your job is to find a way to smile as you work around it. Because as long as there are curious souls, there will be hucksters to waste our time (and in the final analysis of today's Vegas, a few old-time hucksters would be a breath of fresh air). But as far as the human race goes, if you're gonna dance, you've gotta pay the band.

Next, when you ask if it would be wise to check out this Britney Spears porn site, I presume you refer to the tart-like vixen who dresses like a tramp and has the nerve to call herself a singer. Here, the real question is: What could this Spears girl's finger possibly have that any other reasonably healthy female's doesn't? It used to irk me no end when Jack Kennedy would insist on continuing his string of tawdry dalliances. I mean, what the hell was wrong with Jackie's finger? And in the end, his "appetite" contributed mightily to his untimely end. So, go to the site if you must. But must you? Paying the band is one thing, but joining it is a whole other ballgame.

Finally, you ask what this world is coming to – a rhetorical question, I suspect. But you seem to ask it twice, so I'll take a shot at an answer. This world is coming to the realization that the only way we can survive is for us all to be just a little bit nicer. What's so hard about that?

– Jones

P.S.: Last month I promised, just for kicks, to include responses to my open letter to Pacific NW advice columnists. The long and short of it is: I'm still waiting! Maybe next month ...

Examine more advice from Dr. Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your problems, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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